I actively avoid conflict, in life and in fiction. I skip over the uncomfortable parts of movies. I start with the end of the book to ensure a satisfying conclusion. If I see a road block ahead, I steer clear.
Unfortunately, my profession sometimes calls for confrontation. This draws out my tummy flutters and racing heart beats.
Fortunately, I am also a perfectionist. If I need to have confrontation, it’s going to be the best ever.
These characteristics should not coexist. They cause a cataclysmic volcano that spews words out with little insight to their purpose.
In real time, I believe this makes me appear straightforward and assertive. Of course, my armpits are sweaty and my face is a little pale. The message tends to get a tad bit muddled when I start looking for the barf bag.
It gets worse when my words come out so fast that the other person has a blank stare. At least, confusion is preferable to violence.
Once, I told a colleague that one of our clients was so angry I felt frightened. My colleague responded, “you’re like three inches taller than him, you could take him.”
Oh no, that was the first time I considered fear for life. I was simply afraid he would not like me anymore.
Fear of not being liked is probably the real reason I dislike confrontation and I ❤ ️perfectionism.
Some might say that sounds like poor self confidence. Those people would be right.
So the next time I feel like throwing up because I need to face conflict but I would rather eat toenails, I will take heart. Reminding myself the discomfort I am feeling is not of being physically harmed, but rather fear of emotional trauma.
Everyone knows ‘sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.’
Which brings me to a new question: are all nursery rhymes lies?
K